The Joke thread.

[Harsh]

because life's not always serious..

i'll start it off

how many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?



none, it has to want to change itself


please improve on that......please!

[Brahman]

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.

Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything.

So Harry feeds the fish to the lions. Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house.

Harry gets stuck in the monkey house and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, and as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'. The other lion says 'absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees'.

[Harsh]

ok, i'll try again


What did the Slug say to the Snail?





"Big Issue?"

[Ben-san]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit:

"Do you have problems with s**t sticking to your fur?"

"Nope"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[stilletto_rebel]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...
ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that.. Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.
'Pepe.... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...



Ees







Ees







Ees






Ees







Ees












Eees a Ham Bush.

[Gaz]

The Irish have solved their fuel problem,

they have bought 5 million tons of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.

[Dizeee]

As the credit crunch worsens, it now emerges that one of Japan's major banks folded yesterday evening.

The bank is named Origami.

[Dan H]

Japan update. . . .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.



Oh yes, and the Karma sutra bank is f****d

[harry_430]

Whats the difference between a pidgeon and a banker?

a pidgeon can still leave a deposit on a new Ferrari

[Dan H]

Nice one :D

[Harsh]

David beckham goes into training and sees Paul Scholes pouring some tea out of a cylindrical tube.
He goes over and asks what it is....
"It's a Thermos flask" says Paul, "it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

That's amazing things Beckham and goes off to think.



The next day at training he turns up with an identical flask and goes to show Paul
"great" says Scholes, "what's in it?"

"Some tea and two choc ices" says Beckham.............

[Fiona]

One of my colleagues was telling me about a minor car accident he was involved in today.

The owner of the other car, a dwarf, storms up to him ranting "I'M NOT HAPPY!", "I am NOT happy"

To which he answered "Which one are you then?"

[Ziggy Parker]

Mike gets a job as a night watch man at the local Mortuary, on his first day he goes into work and see the boos who tell's me "Its real easy ..all you have to do is when the guys in the van carrying a dead body ring the buzzer, just open the big doors and they will drive in, take the body out and place it in one of the refridgerated trays...then let them back out again and close the door" Mike says " yep...easy no problem boss" boss is happy with so leaves Mike to it..
Morning comes and boss goes and see Mike and asks him if everything went ok..."yeah not a problem boss, we had 5 bodies come in and each time i opened the doors let them put the body away and locked up after them" then Mike says "well there is something rather unusual though boss" "whats that then" asks the boss................mike says "well the dead lady in tray 22 .... well she ....she seems to have a ...a... prawn stuck between her legs!" "what" asks the boss? "the lady in 22 seems to have a prawn stuck between her legs!" Ok Ok says the boss show me. So mike takes him over to tray 22 pulls out the body pulls the sheet away and says "see look she's gor a prawn stuck between her legs" ..............." You F*cking idiot the boss says.."Thats not a prawn thats her Clitorus!" mike says......................

....................Ohh


...................well















It tasted like a Prawn....

[ChrisC]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7899171.stm

[Marcellus]

An Essex girl has a really bad car crash and is knocked unconsious.

By the time the Paramedics arrive she's come round but the Paramedic needs to check how she is so says "How many fingers have I got up?"

The Essex girl gets very upset and says "OMG I'm paralysed"

[Harsh]

How many Irishmen does it take to clean the upstairs windows of a house?

2, one to clean to windows and one to hold the ladder



how many does it take to clean the downstairs windows?

3 - one to clean the windows, one to hold the ladder and one to dig the hole!

[andrew.]

girl asks bloke for an example of a euphemism

so he gives her one

[Harsh]

:D

teacher asks class to make a sentence using the word contradict

cool kid at the back shouts out

you dated contra and contradict you :)

[Fiona]

A man goes to the same restaurant in Spain everyday for dinner.

Every day he orders the local delicacy, the testicles of the Bull that was killed at the days bullfight.

One day he goes for dinner but when his order of balls arrives they are somewhat smaller than usual, confused by this he questions the waiter.

"Ah, sir" comes the reply "Today the bull won!"

(I was told this joke in a spanish restaurant after I had just sampled the local delicacy.....my friends wouldn't tell me what they were till after I tried them! - Bastards!)

[scrubberamit]

http://www.wimp.com/narrowgarage/

[scrubberamit]

What’s worse than a dog eating your shoe.....


.... a killer whale eating your trainer

[Dan H]

:D

[scrubberamit]

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

:clap:

[Dan H]

:clap:

[spiritof'76]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. . ' Polo, i'm the one with the hole ' she said with a Wispa. ' i'm Marathon, the one with the nuts ' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. it was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. but 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started to itch. . . .turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!!!!!

[Redex R]

I enjoyed this one recently as it is subtly suggestive ;) , one to tell to Seb Vettel if ever you meet him :yes:

A British man and a German are out hunting rabbits.

The German aims his rifl e, shoots and misses by 10mm to the left. The rabbit remains still.

The German re-aims, fires again and this time misses by 10mm to the right.

The German slings his gun over his shoulder and walks off.

The Brit asks: “Why not shoot again, you are sure to hit this time?”

The German replies: “On average, the rabbit is dead.” :D

[frankenstang57]

A father hill-billy runs into his newlywed son at the county store,

Father: So son, how you like married life?

Son: Well Paw, I aint married no more.

Father: Huh? What happened?

Son: I done shot her dead.

Father: But why?

Son: Well Paw, on our weddin' night I found out she was a virgin. I figure if she wasn't good enough for her own family she wasn't good enough for ours...

[Robert Burns]

Two englishmen open a shop in Argyle street in Glasgow and are sitting in the empty shop waiting on stock to be delivered. The first englishman says to his mate "bet you we have some nosey Scottish b*****d asking what we are selling." Sure enough within five minutes the door opens and a wee Glaswegian guy says "whit yous selling in here big man?" Englishman says "we're selling a**holes" Without missing a beat the Glaswegian comes back "yir doin well, only two left!"

[Robert Burns]

3 men were drunk, they stopped a taxi. the taxi driver figured that they were so drunk he just switched the engine on and switched it off and told them "we've arrived". the 1st guy gave him money, the 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. the taxi driver was stunned becuase he was hoping that none of them would realize that the car didn't move a inch. so he asked: "what was that for" so the drunk replied "control your speed next time, you almost killed us!!!"

[verysideways]

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

[Robert Burns]

Paddy the electrician has been sacked from H.M prison for refusing to fix the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion, it's a ****in death trap!!

[Fiona]

Dead Horse Theory

If you don't understand this theory, you haven't lived long enough.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

[phil.dalton]

By far the worst joke goes as follows:

I just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster...

[Robert Burns]

A Police Officer in the UK

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:
You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife,

and lunges at you.You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only

a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

[verysideways]

Sad but true!